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SarahI don’t even know if it’s 3 weeks missed?! My father has been here a week now. Wow. Intense learning curve.  Much emotional eating. Too much. Our rented computor has been out of action for over a month. I will write again in more detail eventually. I have not given up! Maybe I’ve just given in?!

I’m too afraid to get on the scales. Accountability…that’s what here is all about. Gain of 2 kgs and my heart is heavy along with my waistline! But it is only the second day of one of those periods that overwhelmed…wild seas of the soul.

So many feelings  and thoughts pressing for attention.

My father brought with him the latest National Geographic Atlas of the Sea. It’s wonderful. He is frail. I do not now how I will bear to say goodbye to him in 12 days time. I haven’t been on my hour in nature walk for nearly 2 weeks. In a tiz a lot of the time finding it really hard to just relax and enjoy his company.

Clinging to that cucumber ginger green tea mix…it’s all I can seem to manage green at the moment. Self sabotaging stressed out Sarah..this time too shall pass!

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2 Responses to Weeks 11,12 and 13 …Bad Bad and Ugly

  1. Rebecca says:

    Dear Sarah
    It is so good to hear your voice in here! Yesterday when I was interacting with some of our newer BIMI members my thoughts rolled down memory lane to you and Toni and Deion and Pamela. I almost posted a call down the old corridors…”Saaaarraaaahhhhh!”
    I don’t know how it happened that we grew a love for each other here in the green cathedral, but I do know that it was your openness and willingness to lay yourself bare between the lines of your posts that set the tone for the rest of us. It is you sharing your struggles so honestly that helps me stay honest and humble and human.

    I wish that I could come for tea and a hike to the sea with you. I wish that I could do a few of your thousand and one chores and make a some meals and laugh in a rowdy way with you. Your “plate” is so much fuller right now that to me it is no wonder that overwhelm is your middle name some days. It would be kinder if we didn’t stack our days and imagine that twenty of them on one routine were superior to the one when nothing goes as planned. But my mind likes to pretend that it knows how I should behave, and it compares my days without considering my to-do list, my hormonal state, and the barometric pressure! AND then I am apt to believe that the tally of days following a plan of ‘good’ action is wiped out by the few where things fall apart! Yoy!

    What if one day is all that I have….one moment. If I am screaming or I am singing, is there really so much difference? Isn’t it just great to have a voice in the opera of everything?
    If I am sometimes eating cake and loving it and me and the sky and the wailing child while the crumbs melt away, it’s just a day; a delight. Without the lashing of a relentless know-it-all mind, kindness and acceptance and discovery rule! And there is no falling down; no failing.

    So Daddy is near, and frail, and dear, and of course your heart wants to please and senses want to stockpile for later. I really get the desire to cram or binge or just eat sweets. Sometimes life seems so deliciously unbearable that I can make no rational choice, but clamor for order or stillness in the whirlwind of emotion. Eating is one way that I have learned to calm an overwhelm…I mean, c’mon, when the baby cries out, the first thing we do is feed it! From our mothers breasts we learned what to do when we wanted comfort. Later she may have taken us to walk by the sea, or shown us how journaling could pin stress to paper, but the first lesson was: EAT!
    I learned that lesson well.

    You are my shero as we go, Sarah, and some days I may be yours. What I love is that we are in it together and we have discovered greens for the days when we can delight in them.

    big green kisses with chocolate swirls!
    cliketty clank
    rebecca

  2. Sarah Bell says:

    I had a good cry reading this and felt so much better afterwards! Thank you dear friend…I rode a horse with the teens yesterday and can barely walk today but am laughing at the pain…’grandad’ oozes wisdom and my breathing has calmed (a little)…focusing on enjoying the moment and not fretting too much…giving him green drinks daily now…thank you so much for your words. clinketty clank love Sarah

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